The GREAT friendCYCLE

No more FRIENEMIES for me!

From time to time I seem to find myself SUCKED in to TOXIC friendships. I seem to be the magnet for moochers to gather, and users to loam....

I am currently undergoing a time of transition in my life, becoming more of an adult, more knowledgeable of life and relationships and generally more aware of reality. In doing so, I am learning to let go of the toxins in my life, toxins of all sorts.

• The Gossiper. We all know one! She thrives on gossip, scandal and drama. She bad mouth-es everyone . She is definitely treating you the same. I met quite a few in High school and some grown adults, who haven't quite, well... grown.
• The Victim. She only calls you when there is something wrong in her life. In fact, her life motto is ‘Woe is me.’ This friend takes you for granted and has appointed you as their personal therapist. I seem to have been over-loaded with these the last ten years or so, and despite the fact that I will forever struggle with trying not-to-be the fixer of all people, I need to focus on my family and myself...
• The Envious One. Let’s be very honest – girls are very catty, and most of it steams from insecurity. This is the friend that very subtly criticizes you, makes everything a competition, and even sounds happy when you are having a bad day.. In my opinion the most toxic, if you let them get to you.
• The User. A person who has identified that you have/know something that they want. Whether it is for them to further their career, or as simple as you have a hot brother and she wants to get with him! Either way, this person is just using you for their own benefit and provide absolutely nothing to your life.

Obviously there are many more but I wrote these ones as these are the friends I have been dealing with! Basically, to identify a toxic friend, it is how you feel about them. Here are a few ideas. You:

• don’t feel comfortable with this person.
• feel ‘down’ about yourself after talking or seeing this person.
• feel anxious/afraid when you see an e-mail/text message from them.
• have a nagging feeling that this person wants something from you and is not genuine.
• feel tired, drained, exhausted, defeated, stressed out and generally bad about yourself with this person.

I have been silently identifying these toxic friends for just over a year now, preparing myself for the great friend-cycle.

I never want to have enemies or cause conflict with people, so trying to end it with them has been the hardest for me. I am a schedule-oriented, planning person. So everything for me requires steps, and is especially drawn our when I have concerns for others feelings.

1. Set boundaries - When you are helping a friend but they are hurting you in the process, you are not feeling good and nothing productive is happening – this is what happened to me. In general though, you can simply learn to start saying ‘no’. No to 20 phone calls a day about her ex. No to insulting anyone in your family. No to calling you last minute and expecting you to drop everything for her. It is hard, because at the same time you want to be there for a friend but you have to set boundaries or it will eat you alive.

I can’t just ignore someone in trouble because I feel bad and I have to help somehow. I cannot be everyone’s savior! … For these people, their issues have been going on for years, yet they are not doing anything about it. At the end of the day, you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.,/br>

2.Speak to them - This is probably the hardest … If you would like to give this friendship another go, there is no other way to change it then to honestly speak to them about how you are feeling. Stand up for yourself and tell them you won’t take their nonsense anymore. If they do not treat you with respect - cut this friendship off. In this case, it is best to say as little as possible. A sentence like ‘I do not wish to be your friend anymore’ is pretty to-the-point.There is always the option to just never speak to them again, but at least give the person the respect of any decent human being and offer some closure.

In the process of removing negativity from my life, I have to remain positive as well. I definitely am guilty of pouring out my sorrows to a friend a little too often and I am the worse at replying calls. Life is a learning process!

If you know yourself better, you will have better, more meaningful relationships. The fact is, people who aren't sure who they are, what they want in life, are the people who can't seem to get relationships right.

The friends you hang out with will influence the choices that you make. Often bad friends lead to bad choices.

Sometimes you grow so comfortable in your life and with your friend group that you do not put yourself out there and make new friends. Then, your life changes or your friend's lives change, and you drift apart, leaving you feeling like you don't have friends.

Sometimes friendships just go bad. There occasionally comes a point when it seems like a friendship is more work then it is worth. When a friendship starts going bad, you basically have to decide if you want to fix it or let it go. Sometimes it can't be fixed...

Any friendship that you might have is going to need to be maintained if we expect it to last a lifetime. All too often what happens is we become friends with people and we neglect to maintain our friendship, so people think that you no longer want to be friends.

One of the best things that you can do to help improve your friendships is to tell your friends thank you and I appreciate you. It always feels good to hear thank you. You need to let your friends know that you love and appreciate them. All too often people take advantage of their closest friends and just assume that their friends are always going to be around for them. You need to make sure that your friends know that you need them. Many people think that regardless of what happens their friends are always going to be there for them, and this means that they fail to tell their friends that they need them around and want them around. Make sure that you take the time to do things for your friends.

Friendships can end for a variety of reasons: one friend moves away; lifestyle changes like marriage or divorce or having a baby can shift the focus of a woman's life and some of her friends may fall away; interests change and the basis of the friendship can disappear; health or lifestyle changes can result in friendship changes as well; and many other reasons. There is nothing wrong with these changes in our friendship patterns -- but they certainly can be painful, especially if one person wants to continue the friendship and the other person doesn't.