My sweet little cuddle bug - I am sending these words out into the Internet universe, as I sit here in your sisters hospital room, wondering why children find it neccesary to scare their parents so much?! I remember like it was yesterday the struggle you but us through to keep you home although the doctors urged us to place you in the ER for jaundice.
As I am writing this I am realizing how much you have grown since then and to help you realize just how much your Daddy and I have always wanted you.
From the day I met your father, I knew my world had changed forever. I had found that one true love that quiets all fears, comforts all sorrows, expands all joy and brings a light to my life, I found in him a best friend, partner and much more. As he and I grew further and deeper in love, it became obvious that we needed to share our love with another, and so together we created you!
I still dream of the day I felt your tiny little life force inside of me, ready or not, counting the kicks of your perfect little feet. At that time, with your tiny little body growing inside my belly, I longed to hold you in my arms, to rock you to sleep, to feel your soft skin, smell your baby smell, gaze into your face and marvel at you...the perfect blend of your parents who love each other so much, and you...the perfect and ultimate expression of that love.
We have been blessed since that magical day that your soul entered the world and given the honor of nurturing you, giving you life, given the awesome responsibility and gift of protecting you, loving you and watching you grow.
It seems like yesterday you were a little baby learning to walk and talk. And here you are, a handsome, smart, wonderful toddler, each day growing closer and closer to becoming a young man ready to take on the world.
I want you to grow to be someone who can be as proud of himself as I am of you. “Be strong." "Act tough." "Be a Man." Boys see and hear countless messages telling you how to "be a man.” I understand it’s confusing. The difference between assertiveness (standing up for yourself) and aggression is an important distinction, which your father and I have attempted to instill in you since your birth.
I hope we as parents have set a good example for you in how your father and I treat each other – with mutual respect and admiration.
Right now you are home with me each day because you are so dang smart no preschool could teach you a darn thing but all you know and appreciate is that you can do math in your underwear, call going to the zoo a field trip, and use Legos for a history project. You enjoy the perks of learning at home: a leisurely morning reading till we start schoolwork at 9:30, an empty library or grocery store during off hours (and even, on vacation, a less-populated Disney World!), snacks on the couch while we read aloud all afternoon, and a picnic in the backyard on a sunny school day. From your perspective, homeschooling is just plain fun. On most days I completely agree.
But there is so much more I hope you remember of our time together. When the wisdom and maturity that come with age cause you to look back on your time here, learning at home, nurtured and protected, I hope you see that the privilege brings more subtle, and more important, blessings.
I hope you remember that despite the love I have for you both, I still felt a tug of war to be away from you even for more than a moment, when I knew it was necessary.
I hope you remember the times you struggled with something and we were able to work on it again and again and again and again. I hope you remember when you finally got it, and the sense of accomplishment you felt. I felt it too.
I hope you remember that I said I’m sorry. Often. Because I’m not perfect. And I hope you remember that you were so generous with hugs and kisses and forgiveness after I failed.
I hope you remember when your sister distracted you by doing something goofy, and made your work take longer than it should have. I hope, from the perspective of an adult with strong family bonds and siblings who are your best friends, you laugh at those times, realizing that they were the building blocks to the relationships you now share.
I hope you remember that every time someone clucked their tongue in the grocery store and said to me, “Well, you sure have your hands full!”, I smiled and responded, “Yes, and I love it that way.” Because I do.
I hope you remember the thousands of breakfasts, lunches and dinners when we prayed together (yes even the silly prayers for the light or the door or whatever entered that brilliant little brain of yours), ate together, and talked about our favorite part of the day.
I hope you remember the excitement we felt over little things: catching bubbles in the yard, brand new play-dog, a difficult puzzle finished together, and the last chapter of a beloved book.
I hope you remember that when you had questions, about anything from why the bird’s egg you found outside didn’t hatch to how you forgive someone who keeps hurting you, we figured out the answers together.
I hope you remember that Daddy and I chose this life. For you, for us. That we listened when God whispered that time is too precious, and that learning is a joy, and that we should spend all of it side by side.
I hope you remember these things. I hope I remember these things. Because, though it seems to you that time drags on and Christmas and birthdays take forever to come, I can’t seem to hold on to these moments tightly enough. I don’t even always appreciate them enough. But this life we live together is a treasure, a gift. One that is a foundation for everything you do and everything you become.
I wouldn’t trade a moment. And most of all, I hope you remember that.
I love you through and through!
Love, Mom-mom
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